1...2...CLEARRR!!

Yes. I am trying to revive my blog. Lets see how long this lasts.

So.
Its new year's eve and I'm waiting for the fireworks. Watch with ayah at the poolside; I think he looks forward to that. (: problem is its only gonna be ten thirty and im already sleepy. Plus I'm sick!! ): curse the bloody dust in the temples of cambodia. curse youu!

I think my voice is breaking. I practically croak right now. Its pretty horrible. I was talking to kum on the phone and he couldnt hear most of the things i said ):

Aiya i continue later la. bye.

I had a dream...

I had a dream.I finally got a kitten. The black one, with a white face and white socks. Just like I had always wanted. Its fur was softer than silk and its eyes were piercing green. I called it Jade.

We played till the day was gone and I tucked it in to sleep, watching it curl up into an adorable little ball of fluff. I looked forward to tomorrow afternoon so i could play with Jade somemore.

Tomorrow came and I packed up for school, giving Jade a loving pat on the head as I left. That day I left my pencil box behind.

When I reached home I ran excitedly to play with Jade. I searched high and low but she wasn't anywhere to be found. As I walked to my writing table I saw her, head resting peacefully on my pencilbox. She wasn't breathing.

My dad heaved a sigh and recalled to me what had happened. She ran to get my pencilbox. She got tired. He figured she just wanted to rest on something that reminded her of me, so he let her be. She was gone, never to be awoken from her eternal slumber..

I don't know why I dream of things like this :(

PENGUINS!

That's right. Penguins.

Wei Zhi discovered my game files yesterday. It started out innocent enough, she started with minesweeper. It fit her personality enough. Then we decided to explore.

Mahjong was next. Pretty fun, rather addicting. We'll play a few rounds, then we'll do our work. Yeah, that's what we'll do.

But.. looking for one more game wouldn't hurt.... or so we thought.

the next one was PENGUINS.

Ah yes. It looked innocent enough. Lead these adoreable penguins to safety by strategically placing devices around so they head in the right direction. 25 of them, all in all. And they all have NAMES! Scrolling over each penguin would reveal their name, and it was soooo utterly adoreable to find names like Elise, Monty, Napoleon, Feisty, Pepper, and Penguinette. Adoreable, really.

Then the danger started. One level led to the next! We couldn't let those penguins fall to their deaths (though the game assures you that they're not dead, but are "sitting in a cosy little cage at the bottom of the screen.") or get caught by the zoo keeper! So we kept going, Nyat, Wei Zhi and I, strategising for most efficient results. Well, I wasn't very good at it, but they sure were.

We only stopped playing when Nyat had to go. We were expertless.

That's right. we didn't get any work done.

Monday.

I awoke (not so ) early monday morning knowing I had no classes. No obligation to go to college and absorb the knowledge passed on to me by my lecturers. It was a plesant realization. I deserved the next 15 minutes in bed.

I had the day planned out--well, sort of. Kum had invited me for an outing with Ben and Nick. I couldnt wait. Outings with them are always fun. Stress-free, no strings attached. Sometimes I wonder what I did right to get the friends I have :).

Of course, even though I claimed I couldn't, I had to wait.

It was pretty funny, actually, and they were worth the wait anyway. Their amazing sense of direction and ability to relay information got kum making a U-turn partially on a curb (or so I hear). Plus the car stopped at some point. I dunno. I was just happy they made it in one piece.

I insisted Kum walk me to the Curve as he wasn't allowed to drive me. The poor chap had to walk back and forth. poor guy.

So I happily enjoyed myself; we played pool,2 on 2 (me and kum won' with not much help from me) and foosball (me an nick won, yeah blackies!), then continued to walk around while waiting for Star Trek. Of course, I walked around as naturally as ever,forgetting that it was Ben's birthday. Of course I knew the date of his bithday, and I knew the date of that day, but i just didn't string two and two together. Yeah. Whoops.

Star Trek. Hmm.. I liked Spock. Spock was cute. Adoreable! Omg.

Of course the boys didn't share my enthusiasm.

Holidays :)

Looks like I have alot to write about. Almost too much for me to handle! Lets take it one step at a time shall we..
Holidays started directly after our mid-terms (which breezed along for me, particularly because I didn't bother to study a single thing. My mind would rather focus on what's after that horrible mess.). I relished my freedom as though I'd been locked away and forced to do hard labour in the past month, which of course I hadn't, but that was how drained my brain was. My main objective for these holidays was to emulate a vegetable-- I would do pretty much nothing.

And of course, I needed fun. Long awaited fun. To leave the troubles associated with college and let myself go. To be with my friends without a care.

So that's what I did. In the first week, anyway.

Monday was particularly notable. But perhaps I shall break down my holidays in several parts.

I'll probably not mention all the times I just sit around and waste my time away.

What's the title?

I am so tired.


It's like the Earth's gravity just increased by about 100%. No, make that 200%.
I don't know how else to explain this.
I need to get it off my chest before it eats me up on the inside. The problem is, I don't know what 'it' is.
Haih. Let's move on to other things.

I'm gonna be a little delusional now. So if you pardon me, I'll start talking to myself in my own little world.
You're welcomed to stay and read, but you probably won't understand.
Except you, bitch. Fuck off.
See what I mean?
I think I should go to the happy place. Yeah. That sounds nice.

Its hot. I feel like I'm burning inside. I'm so frustrated--everything just makes the fire stronger. Everything! Its no longer a flame. Its no longer a pleasant warmth.
It's a freaking fire. Its destroying everything in its path!

i watched the hideous creature from afar. I grip the rifle in my hands, feeling every smooth curve. I caress the trigger, toying with the thought. Pull it?

The corners of my mouth curve up into a crooked smile.
Of course I wasn't going to pull the trigger. That would be too quick.

It wouldn't suffer enough.

I'm gonna go take my psycotherapeutic pills now.

Decisions!

For some reason I just had to write this down.
I had to make a difficult decision today.
I wanted to take a quiz today. Just for fun.. I had to choose between
Which side of your brain is dominant?
AND
What Barbie are you?
eheh. It was a real dilemma :P

Everyone watched but nobody heard

She held on with whatever little will she had.
Still the seas thrashed her vessel
violently.
The cruel sky was full of hatred.
Hatred for her.
She held on to the wheel but she was slipping.
Slipping away.
Away.
She finally let go. Left at the mercy of the merciless sea.
The cold pricked her skin and the waves pushed her down
Down to the depths where noone returned
and she screamed " is there anyone here?"
Millions were watching
but nobody heard
she begged. Pleaded.
Still nobody cared.
And she was finally pulled
to the the dark depths of her eternity
drowned in her failure.

Hooray Hooray its a holli-holliday!

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! :) Holidays! Just what I was waiting for! :D
Class had another dress up day today . What was it adi ah...oh yeah! "formal executive day". LOL. And....I think I overdid it. LOL. Kinda purposely though, I thought it would be fun to see people's reactions! :D
Hmm. I'm only writing this cause I'm tired and sleepy but I can't sleep! Haih. Looking at how I'm writing I can almost hear miss Geetha's voice:
"Unorganized, no topic sentence, no logial structure, no sufficient content. What's the controlling Idea? Where's the thesis statement? WHERE ARE YOUR CAPITALIZATIONS AND PUNCTUATION MARKS?"
Honestly, I don't know. Haha!
I love miss Geetha. This was not an insult to her. :P
Hmm.
Now I don't know what to write!
This is why you need a detailed outline,
Hmm. I had a funny (and extremely short) conversation with shawn (or SHION :P):
Shawn: (something i can't remember) boss lady.
Me: Yeah. what? Get back to work can onot??
Shawn: *looks at watch* err...now is tea time.
LOL. Omg why am I talking so random now? there's no unity. haha.
That reminds me. Unity song due.
Which reminds me :
Me: Mr William is not bad looking ah?
Wei ZHI: 0.0 *stares*
Haih. I don't even know what I'm getting at now.
Bye!
Oh yeah I dunno how to get a cbox. I registered at the website, chose the clr n all then--i dunno what to do from there.
Help!

Valentine

Here's the Valentine's day I never got round to writing about. Now I finally feel like it. :D

Hmm lets see............

I went to my old school for merentas desa in the morning. to see kumaresh and ben and all :) Derek came too! :D :D

My dear teacher saw us and started chanting "boyfriend girlfriend boyfriend girlfriend!" and kept pointing to us. Haih. She can be so cute sometimes :) HAHA. She knows through facebook can you believe it?? Okay I don't even know who I'm talking to...

Oh and i met my other teacher and the first thing she said was "eh...results march 12 ah." -_-;

What a way to start a conversation :P I was like O.O. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Anyway my friends eventually grew bored of the bustling school environment we all *cough* LOVED, so we decided to walk over to the cyber cafe :P Weell, I went a bit later la. CALL OF DUTY 4! YEAHHHH!!! :D

Super de duperly fun. Nevermind that I kept dying.

Guess what my screen name wa? BUKIT KEPONG. -_-. Thanks a bunch, kum. hehe :P

ANYWAY lets talk about the valentine's part of my valentine's.

Went out for dinner with Derek :) We decided to dress up, even though the two of us were just going to the curve. SO...yeah it looked pretty funny I guess. But nevermind la. Padan ma.

Since we went early, we decided to go to Starbucks first. Had my favourite Chocolate Cream Chip Frappucino :D But I didn't drink all of it cause I wasn't feeling too well....

And you know what happened after?

I THREW UP.

That's right. I ruined my perfectly perfect Valentine's day by throwing up.

Poor Derek had to jaga me, buy me mints (and I chose one that caused RM7 without realising it :S) and...

went we went to tony roma's...

I felt too sick to eat anything.

SO on top of it all, he had to eat alone.

So we ordered.."err can we order the set for one person please?"

All the tables around us must have thought we were crazy or something. HAIH.

Poor Derek.

Ok some pictures!!!! :) But not all, cause the com was being stupid..









Us outside Tony Roma's. Had to wait haha., And the guy who was working there was also named DEREK! :P






Outside Tony Roma's again. :)

Poor Derek eating all by himself. Aww. Muacks.

And that's us. He actually went and kacau-ed some lovey dovey couple next to us to take this :P Yes, I look horrible in all the pics. Bear with me. Or maybe you could tiger with me. OMG SO LAME.

Derek being cute at starbucks

This cute little thing he surprised me with :D:D:D

Me. Yes I know I look like a transversitite. Did I even spell that right? Whateverla. You know what I mean.

Me again. Ini Tak jadi punya gambar.

Derek :)

Exercise? I AM excercising.....

.........my jaw." -My dad :P
OHMYGOD I am sooo outta shape. Seriously!
One round of tennis with Derek and I was POOPED! HAIH. Somoemore he was like hitting so (OBVIOUSLY) soft!! HAIHHH. I was running so stoopidly -_-. Then I got SOOO TIREDD!
Like I was running a 200 km race!
But i was just playing one round of tennis.
HAIH.
Then again, I suck at every sport imaginable.
So I shall continue in the ways of my dad, and excercise my jaw.
Yeah.
And compartmentalise my stomach to make more room, for all the food.
That sounds more like it.
Ok Bye!.

An optimist is a guy that never has had much experience.

-Don Marquis.

Derek starts work today.


He reluctantly sleeps early, reluctantly gets up early, gets dressed,and grumbles about not being able to wake up late anymore. He complains about how he's going to be sleepy by 11, and yawn all the way till its time to go home. He's like that. He gets tired at noon. All I can do is smile as I listen. How incredibly adoreable.


Yeah, I'll miss him.


Miss my lunches with him especially. At least I'll still get to see him once in a while right? Definately. Maybe. Hopefully twice a week :)







He's such a boy. We went to the curve and he stopped by Laundry to watch tennis. I've got evidence on film!!
I don't know what I'm gonna do when he goes back .
Miss him to death?
Yeah. Maybe.

Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till its gone.

"..they paved paradise and put up a parking lot.."-Yellow Taxi, Joni Mitchell.
It does go like that. Really.
If there's one thing people are good at, its taking things for granted. Take a simple phone call for example. A phone call you receive everyday. We expect it. We know its coming. It always does. Without fail.
And one day it doesn't. And we find ourselves thinking, "what's going on?" . We go around trying to soothe this raw emptiness within us. We try everything we can think of.
But nothing works.
Then we realise, how we miss the sound of the voice on the other line. The deep, smooth soothing voice. We feel a longing for it with every fibre of our being. We lose all sense of reality. Time is meaningless. Life is nothing.
There is no longer focus. All there is is regret.
Regret for not appreciating what we had.
Of course, this is from my point of view. Everyone has theirs right?
Its interesting isn't it? What we love most is what we don't appreciate. But when its taken away, we find it difficult to accept. Perhaps familiarity is at fault. It clouds our minds with visions of an unchanging future. Visions that will keep us satiated with what we have and what we're doing.
So think of every normal thing in your life and discover how amazing each and every one really is. Change your perspective a little. Nothing is normal. Nothing ever will be.
You, dear, are definately amazing.

I will never forget that.

I have no cool quote for this.

I AM GROWING ANOTHER HEAD.
Seriously, this pimple is HUGGEEEE!!!!!
Urgh I hate pimples. Especially these kinds! bleekk~!
Then again who likes them, right?
Haih. I dunno what I did, but one eye is now smaller than the other. Mom's theory is that when i was playing with my make-up (yes, i play -_-) some of it accidently got into my eye or somethibng. Haih so ugly laa!!! one eye is like small and the other is like big. Though, I've mentioned that before.
Hmm.
Went for an excruciatingly long driving course today. I was soooooo sleepy.
Yeah you guessed it I'mjust talking crap now.
I'd better go.
byebye.

Daylight..I must wait for the sun rise..

I must think of a new life..and I musn't give in..When the dawn comes, tonight will be a memory too...And a new day will begin..." -Memory, Cats.
Lets take it a day at a time. Tomorrow is another day.

Hopefully a better one.
Its just one of those days where nothing goes right. And its probably my fault.
Its always my fault isn't it.
I'm so tired. I can feel the exhaustion tugging at my breath; frustration pulsing through my veins. I feel like there's pressure on me from all sides, pushing me down, compressing my very bones...
I try to fight , but I fail. There's just no use. I am helpless.
What is this force pushing down on me? I feel the tears sting my eyes. I don't stop them. I don't know why they're there. I don't know why they won't leave me alone.
The force keeps pushing, the pressure keeps coming. I want it to stop. Stop! But it won't .Not for now. It stays when it wants to. There's no control. I wan't to sleep and to never awaken. I want to disappear. Vanish.
I can't keep going on like this. I have to find who's doing this to me.
And then I realise.
Its me. This pressure-- its me. I am my own fiend, my own villain.
I am the dark demons I wish to slay. And I decide. I will.
Tomorrow is another day. A day where the dark clouds will vanish and the sun will shine. A day I am able to breathe again. A day I am able to smile. A day I will not be accompanies by tears.
Tomorrow I am free.

If We Were a Movie...

You'd be the right guy, and I'd be the best friend, that you''d fall in love with in the end, we'd be laughing, watching the sunset.." -Miley Cyrus.
Haha. This song has been stuck in my head. But its pretty good :) THANKS SARAH.
Yes. The one and only brilliant Sarah Tan introduced me to it. :P
ANYWAY,
I took a good look at my chemistry homework today (after working long (ok not that long la) and hard on my electron configurations from 1-30) and realised that it looked like gibberish. I know its extremely childish, but I felt this sudden pride that i knew what this gibberish was all about. Kinda like being in on a secret, ya know? err ok i think i've started crapping now. :P
Derek waited for me at the entrance to Taylor's again. :) It really makes me happy when he does that.
Its like coming home.
I can forget about everything when I'm with him.
Except when I have to get to class of course. hehe.

Knife..Cuts like a knife..

..how will I ever heal? I'm so deeply wounded."

-Knife, Rockwell.

I don't know how I keep doing things wrong. No matter how much I try, I never get things right.

I suppose I'm not like other girls. I don't dress like them, I don't talk like them--I feel so...alienated. I feel like I have problems getting along, fitting in. I'm awkward, weird; I just don't belong. And it hurts. It hurts so much.

I suppose I just have this overall disappointed in myself. Disappointed at everything I do, disappointed at being a failure. I even get disappointed that I'm disappointed!

I try to see the bright side, to realise that maybe everything I worry about is just a product of my incredibly pessimistic thoughts.

Maybe I'm just not compatible with people. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone. I can be fine with that. I think.

I just don't understand it. Am I the only one this way? My brothers all have a way with people. I'm the only one who's not. Come to think of it, I'm not alot of things they are. ,smart, good looking, funny, talented.

My family would be perfect if I weren't there.

Perhaps my biggest mistake is being me?

Life would be better for everyone if i was replaced by someone else.

Sorry for wasting your time.

The Eyes Are The Windows To The Soul.

-William Shakspeare.
Lets put some stuff in front of the windows so the soul can see!! :)

Okay. This is just some random woman in my head who turned out all wrong.

My Belovedest Ariff! :D

Again, some random woman :P

Derek :) Not the best one though. hehe.

Some girl I simply drew and was too lazy to finish hehe. :D

Ahha, that's all for now. Perhaps I'll put up more. :)

Where Do I Begin?

........to tell the story of how great a love can be.....
-Andy Williams, Love Story.
Okay, another attempt at a blog. Hopefully I'll be able to keep this one up and running:)
To me, the beggining is always the hardest part. The inroduction. The general overview of my thoughts and myself in general. The dreaded first impression. Andy Williams had a point in Love Song. Where do I begin? When I have experienced so much, laughed so much, cried so much; when I have had countless thoughts and opinions of so many things in the world.
So I ponder. I search the dark depths of my mind for something-a thought, an idea, anything!-to write in my first post. I think till my head aches. And finally, I realise the truth. The fact.
How do I begin? By simply beggining.